• "I see what you don’t. Write about things least spoken of. Speak less, listen more. Watch less, observe more. Know more by learning more. Attach less, detach more. Be seen less, remembered more. And believe that less is, in fact, more."
  • "Today, organs can get replaced but no one has found a replacement for lost trust, abandoned hearts, shattered souls and tears that flowed. Imagine that!"
  • "Life is not a straight line. It is a circle. See you a-round!"
  • If you do not wish to cross the bridge when you get to it go ahead, take a boat... either way, cross over, you will have to."

Jul 13 2015

A Letter: From My Killer


Image: From the internet

I was brutally murdered on November 1, 1995. I was 18 years old. 

It is December 24, 1995. 

Today, my killer has sent a letter to my family. 

It reads as follows…

“You can call me John.
Just so you have a name to use; but it is not my real name.
And this letter… it is just so you have that closure shit.
I was out on my nightly walks.
Got bored of walking so I decided to take the subway to a friend’s place. 
Lo and behold, there she was. 
She was sitting in the corner, right next to the door, on the left, you know near the door that connects one subway car to the other.
She sat slouched, in her black woolen coat with a bright violet scarf wrapped around her gorgeous neck.
The scarf sure came handy later as you must have noticed the very prominent dark blue ligature mark on her fair, soft neck. 
So I see her, tired, yet immersed in a book. Lost in the pages. Oblivious to my stare.
I sat right across her. She did not even notice.
Hate when that happens.
When these kind of girls don’t even make the effort to look up and acknowledge. 
I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was clueless. Absorbed.
Keeping to herself to the extent that her aloofness was screaming for my attention.
I noticed what she wanted, despite the fact she did not. 
She wanted me, my attention.
How could I not oblige?
She was just asking for it, in her self absorbed, silent way.
Oh the adrenaline rush!
As I stared at her, her head turned into this stunning, one of a kind aurora borealis colored gum ball that I just had to have, to chew, to imbibe, to own, use and throw when done.
The two other people in the same car as us got off that minute and the door closing behind them disturbed me for a moment. That book must have been really good as she still did not see me. Pity I did not catch the name of the book. 
Such a smart way of calling me to herself, I remember thinking. I could just tell she wanted it. She wanted me. 
I killed her from that moment on and kept at it for at least an hour.
Was enjoying myself so much that I actually missed my stop, can you believe it?!
She was a good girl. But you already know that.
What you don’t know is how bad I did her.
I tell you it was a masterpiece even for me. One of my best so far.
Thus feel the obligation to inform you.
You know, so you have the closure shit.
First, I snatched the book from her hands. That sure grabbed her attention.
The look in her dark, beautiful and startled eyes was priceless.
She dropped her bag that sat in her lap and rushed towards an exit.
The subway was moving so there was really nowhere she could go. The doors were locked.
Strangely she did not scream. Instead, she spoke to me, in a firm, controlled tone.
“What is it that you want? Take the money I have. The gold chain around my neck too if you want.”
I laughed and said, “I have all of that, just want you!”
She again surprised me with fearlessness in her eyes.
She stared right at me as if absorbing me to understand what I had just said.
Really liked that about her. So stoic.
As I moved closer to her, she stood still and asked, “So you want to rape me?”
“Yes” I said.
“Would you stop if I told you it hurt?” She asked.
“No” I smiled and said.
That’s when I saw her eyes wince, just a tiny bit.
Gave me so much pleasure.
She was holding the centre pole really tight as I grabbed her and pulled her down onto the dirty cold metal floor of the subway. Since I am almost 6 feet tall and she wasn’t more than 5 feet, and I weigh about 180 lbs and she must have been around 110 lbs maybe, it was no struggle for me to overpower her petite body.
November 1st was a cold day so she was dressed in all these layers which was the annoying part. She dressed in clothes that made her body look so much bigger than it really was, which I discovered eventually, when I got everything off of her.
She knew I would rape her yet, she did not scream. Instead, she continued to talk to me, in a very composed tone, even saying things like “please do not hurt me, for this hurt will last forever. I have family that loves me, please do not break me. I’m still a virgin, please do not let this way be my first.”
She said that and my eyes glowed with delight!
A virgin!
Now that is a first for me! I thought.
Oh Yeah!! I must have her.
I smiled at her and continued to pull her clothes off hurriedly. After all, I did not have all night. It wasn’t like this was our first night at a comfy hotel where I could have taken my own sweet time to dismember her even.
She kept holding on to her clothes, as if that would stop me. So, I just began to tear them off instead.
Her bare skin shuddered beneath me. This was how I was able to sense her fear for she still did not scream or make any noise. Just kept saying, “please don’t”.
As I finally got both our pants off, I realized she was having her period. Oh brilliant, I thought. This will make the whole scene look so much more dramatic and colorful. The police would think I raped her till she bled then realize it was just her menstrual blood. It made the feeling so much better too, I have to admit. Oh I’m sorry, I’m sure you did not want that bit of information. Well now you have it. Will try to be more discreet.
So as I was completely immersed into the moment, I heard her squeak, “stop”. Then she got louder, “Stop!”
That only made me go on with greater momentum. I paid no heed to her meek appeals.
She looked straight at me after I was done. Fearlessness in her eyes yet her body gave it all away. It was almost as if her eyes were separate from her body. They were stoic while her body was frail.
Strong soul, weak body is how I interpreted it.
She remained quiet thereafter as I picked up her scarf and wrapped it gently around her soft neck.
She knew I was going to strangle her.
As her eyes teared she said, “this will hurt my family forever, please don’t.”
I smiled and tightened the noose. She did not even protest.
Stoic till the very end. Have to give that to her.
So there you have it. This is how she spent her final hour.
Being devoured by me and giving me several moments that I will cherish for the rest of my life.
She would have made a fine woman if she had lived.
Had all the right ingredients I felt.
A man who would know how to cherish her would have reveled and excelled in her presence.
I know I did even in that short period of time and for that I am thankful to her.
As the subway stopped I had to rush out. I did however, manage to cover her naked limp body with her clothes. She would not have wanted pictures of her battered and bleeding naked body on the front pages of all the tabloids I assumed.
P.s. I would’ve further detailed what I did to her, but the details have dulled on me now. 
I’m sure the autopsy will provide you nuances of the attack but unfortunately you will never know why I did what I did to your little girl.
Also, I did not mean to dislocate her jaw. I struck her in irritation to stop her from clawing my face.
Hope you understand.
©Maulshri Rajdhan

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