• "I see what you don’t. Write about things least spoken of. Speak less, listen more. Watch less, observe more. Know more by learning more. Attach less, detach more. Be seen less, remembered more. And believe that less is, in fact, more."
  • "Today, organs can get replaced but no one has found a replacement for lost trust, abandoned hearts, shattered souls and tears that flowed. Imagine that!"
  • "Life is not a straight line. It is a circle. See you a-round!"
  • If you do not wish to cross the bridge when you get to it go ahead, take a boat... either way, cross over, you will have to."

Mar 23 2010

Macabre Nursery Rhymes !!

OK !! I want to know………
As children, WHY were we taught nursery rhymes like these?


Humpty Dumpty
sat on a wall,
Photo: webdunia.org

Photo: webdunia.org

All the King’s horses, And all the King’s men

Could not put Humpty Dumpty together again!

*********
Humpty Dumpty is this cute, ‘egg shaped’ man (what??!!) who sits on a wall with a happy face. However, he falls. Not only that, it is then suggested that he breaks into several pieces that no one could put together again!!
Is this offering a child a sneak peek into what ‘adult depression’ feels like? Or, what a human body looks like when it goes ‘splat!’?
*********
Photo: promotionstudios.com

Photo: promotionstudios.com

Three blind mice, three blind mice,
See how they run, see how they run,
They all ran after the farmer’s wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,
Did you ever see such a thing in your life,
As three blind mice?
*********
Three cute little mice, that too ‘blind’, are running around, only to have their tails ‘chopped’ off with a ‘carving knife’ (good God!!). However, the poem ends with the question “Did you ever see such a thing in your life as three blind mice?” I mean, Really!! Is THAT the alarming part of this poem?
*********
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Photo: thecolor.com

Photo: thecolor.com

Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away!
*********
Here’s ‘Arachnophobia’ on a tuffet for you my dear!! Fear spiders!! If you see one, be Frightened, be VERY frightened, drop everything you have and RUN!!
Little Miss Muffet then grew up to fear even the ‘World Wide Web’. She worked as a waitress in a diner for most part of her life and when she crossed 50, she took up a job as a greeter in Walmart!!
*********
Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep,
And can’t tell where to find them;
Leave them alone, and they’ll come home,
And bring their tails behind them.
Photo: 123rf.com

Photo: 123rf.com

Little Bo-Peep fell fast asleep,

And dreamt she heard them bleating;
But when she awoke, she found it a joke,
For still they all were fleeting.
Then up she took her little crook,
Determined for to find them;
She found them indeed, but it made her heart bleed,
For they’d left all their tails behind ‘em!
It happened one day, as Bo-peep did stray
Unto a meadow hard by–
There she espied their tails, side by side,
All hung on a tree to dry.
She heaved a sigh and wiped her eye,
And over the hillocks she raced;
And tried what she could, as a shepherdess should,
That each tail should be properly placed.
*********
My dear child…. just like little Bo-peep, if you were to ever lose a pet, at first, leave it alone and wait for it to find it’s way back home. However, when it doesn’t get back for a few days, then do go looking for it – but, be prepared – for you may find your pet after all, however, it might not have its tail on!! Continue looking further and you will find it’s tail hung on a nearby tree to dry!! Heave a sigh of relief, retrieve the tail from the tree and try your best to fix it back onto your pet’s ass.
Little Bo Beep grew up and became obsessed with finding lost animals. She works with the SPCA now as she’s the best they have at finding ‘lost tails’.
The only thing she can’t figure out about her job though is how does she ALWAYS find the animal with it’s tail still on?
*********
Sing a song of sixpence,
Photo: simscontent.ucoz.ru

Photo: simscontent.ucoz.ru

A pocket full of rye.
Four and twenty blackbirds,
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
The birds began to sing;
Wasn’t that a dainty dish,
To set before the king?
The king was in his counting house,
Counting out his money;
The queen was in the parlour,
Eating bread and honey.
The maid was in the garden,
Hanging out the clothes;
When down came a blackbird
And pecked off her nose.
They send for the king’s doctor,
who sewed it on again;
He sewed it on so neatly,
the seam was never seen.
*********
Let me now give you a lesson on cooking, my child. Procure 24 black birds from a pet store. Chop them up so you are able to shove all the birds into a pie and bake it!! The silver lining to this is that when the pie is done and is cut open, the birds will still be alive (having survived being cut up and cooked in an oven at 400F) and will begin to sing and rejoice!! Such pies are ‘dainty dishes’ for Kings. (Serve them to your Dad!!)
Also, a King is a man who counts money. (Your Dad).
A Queen is a woman who eats bread and honey (that would be your Dad’s girlfriend).
A Maid is someone who hangs out clothes (that would be your Mom!!) and while tending to domestic chores, her nose will get plucked off by a blackbird!!
Now the maid is emitting blood curdling screams and is also bleeding profusely so the King’s doctor is immediately sent for. The doctor arrives and quickly sews the maid’s nose back in it’s place. So neat is his work that not a single seam was visible!!
So my dear…. if you don’t like any part of your body in future, get it cut off as there are doctors called ‘plastic surgeons’ who specialize in sewing back parts of our bodies and making them look as good as new.
The King grew older, his was a ‘death by pecks’ having been brutally pecked at by all the black birds he had tried to eat in that pie.
The Queen, well, she found another King and continued eating bread and honey. Eventually she got morbidly obese and committed suicide.
The Maid, with her nose intact and ability to carry out chores, married the Doctor and lived happily ever after.
*********
JackJillJack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up Jack got and home did trot
As fast as he could caper;
And went to bed to mend his head
With vinegar and brown paper.
Jill came in and she did grin
To see Jack’s paper plaster;
Mother vexed did whip her next
For causing Jack’s disaster.
Now Jack did laugh and Jill did cry
But her tears did soon abate;
Then Jill did say that they should play
At see-saw across the gate.
*********
Right!! So…. Jacks are more important than Jills?! Jack’s injury to his head will get taken care of, however, Jill’s is ignored (remember she also tumbled down the hill with Jack?) Not only will Jill’s injuries not be examined, but she will also get whipped and be held responsible for anything and everything that happens to Jack!! Then while Jill is crying (since she got whipped), Jack is laughing.
At the end of this horrid ordeal, Jill, like any other ‘good’ ‘strong’ woman, wipes off her tears and tells Jack they should go play!!
Jack learns that he is ‘the man’, superior to Jill and eventually becomes a drunk wife beater with two DUI’s and a job that involves opening and drinking beers.
Jill learns that men are stronger than women, that women need to bear the atrocities of man, smile, give in and do what makes men happy anyway!!
Jill eventually suffers from “battered wife syndrome” and is in prison by the age of 32 for having shot her husband at point blank range.
*********

Peter Peter pumpkin eater

Photo: McFarlane's Twisted Fairy Tales Action Figure

Photo: McFarlane’s Twisted Fairy Tales Action Figure

Had a wife and couldn’t keep her.
He put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well!
*********
Good God!! I mean, is this self explanatory or what?
Peter is a serial killer who has a secret underground dungeon that he constructed in his backyard. His wife hated him and walked out on him with another man. Since then, Peter hates all women who look like his wife. On the outside, a good neighbor and a church going man. At night however, he abducts women (two at a time) and keeps them in the dungeon where he tortures and finally kills them!!
Peter lived in a family friendly neighborhood till he was 85 yrs old and died of natural causes. It was only after his death that the secret underground dungeon and skeletal remains of thousands of women were discovered!!
*********

Whatever be the reasons we were taught the above nursery rhymes,

I sure know one thing, it created a twisted writer like me!!

 © Maulshri Rajdhan

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